A Few of My Favorite Words

I love words. They are delicious, thrilling, amusing, and delightful. And these are just a few of my favorites:

• Acumen
• Buffeted
• Capricious
• Chortle
• Craven
• Cretin
• Crinkling
• Curmudgeon
• Dazzle
• Elasticity
• Erudite
• Esoteric
• Fizz
• Gaggle
• Goggled
• Hackneyed
• Jocular
• Loped
• Mercurial
• Mollify
• Neophyte
• Pithy
• Plucky
• Putrid
• Quotidian
• Retrograde
• Salacious
• Schlep
• Sordid
• Umbrage
• Whimsy
• Wonk

And there are so many more! Every day, there are new words to be discovered and used. Now what are some of your favorites?

On the Pleasure of...Pleasure

I have a confession: I'm addicted to chocolate. 


And cheese. 


And ice cream. (Particularly to ice cream with chocolate and nuts and mini-peanut butter cups)


I just love these things. A perfect meal for me would be pizza and brownies--yum! But here's the problem: I know these foods are not good for me. I suppose they would be all right in moderation, but there is nothing moderate about a full-blown addiction. But why do I crave these things? Why do I think that cheese and chocolate make up a food group of their own? 


C.S. Lewis, in his classic Mere Christianity wrote this: "The Christian attitude does not mean that there is anything wrong about sexual pleasure, any more than about the pleasure of eating. It means that you must not isolate that pleasure and try to get it by itself" (105).


Now, add this idea to C.S. Lewis': "What if someone invented a chemical that could trigger your pleasure circuitry--a chemical that did not make you stronger, or assist you in any other way--but still gave your brain a feeling so warm and pleasant that you would want to repeat it over and over again? Well someone did: someone invented chocolate bars, wedges of cheese, cookies, and doughnuts. The fact is, we've been a bit too clever for our own good, refining food products to the point where they provide all the pleasure and very little of the nutrition we need." (Breaking the Food Seduction, 18)


Aha! All of my favorite foods, including chocolate and cheese, have been engineered to provide pleasure, but little nutrition. The food engineers (is that what they are called??) have done exactly what Lewis warns against: they have isolated the pleasure and gotten it by itself. Chocolate is pure pleasure, no nutrition. 


This speaks to me on a very deep level. If I am wanting to seek one chocolate bar and pizza after another (this seems to be my example of choice today) then what other pleasures am I seeking away from the "nutrients"? 


And now to talk about another perennial topic of conversation: pornography. 


I just sat through a series of pastor's meetings where a speaker was brought in to share his struggle with pornography and how he was finally able to break free of it. It's not that sex and intimacy are bad; I believe they are a beautiful part of marriage. But it's when you try to get that pleasure all by itself--outside of marriage, or without your spouse--that's when a person gets into trouble. 


I'm realizing there is an abundance of pleasure in life: the smell of the air after a spring rain, a long conversation with a friend, laughing with a child, and yes, even chocolate. But life is not one continuous pleasure after another. These things are sprinkled throughout a life of sin and pain. 


On the other hand, one day I will live in a world where there is nothing but pleasure. "At His right hand, there are pleasures forevermore" (Psalm 16:11). Until then, I want to be fully present in my life--not seeking one pleasure after another, for happiness comes with a little bit of sadness, and pain with pleasure. 

Risk, Perfectionism, and Bureaucracy

By nature, I am not a risk-taker. I am a perfectionist. 


If you combine perfectionism with words like "cautious" and "conscientious" then you will arrive at a person who is slow to take action or to enter a risky situation. 


That's been me up until now. Instead of making New Year's Resolutions this year I decided to have a word that would sum up what I want to accomplish in 2011. That word is risk.


In the past, one of the ways that I have avoided taking action is by gathering people's opinions. I would talk with my parents, my professors, my friends, my friends' friends, my mentors, my mentors' mentors, ad infinitum. I would usually end up at a stalemate because of all the conflicting advice I had received. But this week I read this: 


Bureaucracy was born out of the human desire for complete assurance before taking action.* 


This statement hit me between the eyes because I have made my life a bureaucracy. Really though, it all comes back to the fact that I want reassurance. I think this is what being a perfectionist boils down to: reassurance that in whatever you do, you will do perfectly. You will not make mistakes. You will not be embarrassed. You will not fail. 


But no one can guarantee that. Not even God.


I'm not saying that God causes us to stumble or make mistakes, but I am saying that I don't believe you can have 100% certainty when you are following God or following His instructions. It's probable that I will need to say in the future, "I think I misunderstood what God wanted me to do," or "I think I wasn't listening to God at all, but rather my own ego."  


If this wasn't enough, here's one more statement I read: 


Taking action helps expose whether we are on the right or wrong path more quickly and definitively than pure contemplation ever could.**


Is it possible that making decision, taking risks, and following God is somewhat like operating GPS? When I put an address into my GPS and it calculates the direction for me, it is dependent on me pointing my car in a direction, stepping on the accelerator, and venturing out into traffic. My GPS can't say, "Turn left now" if I'm still in the parking lot and it can't say, "As soon as possible, make a U-turn," if I'm not moving. 


I'm realizing that my relationship with God and doing is His will is much more dynamic than static. I'm also realizing that it is okay to take risks and that by taking risks, it is also okay to make mistakes. 


I think I will call myself a recovering perfectionist and God-follower from now on. 






* Making Ideas Happen: Scott Belsky (72)


** Making Ideas Happen: Scott Belsky (73)

The Problem with Pascal

Maybe you've heard of Pascal's wager. I think I first heard about it in high school and then again in college when it was espoused by a prominent evangelist visiting Southern. It goes a little something like this:

We cannot know through reason if God exists, Pascal said, but a person should wager that He does because one would have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

But I've realized that I have a small problem with Pascal's wager and that is this: I view God like an investment. I buy shares and wager lots of things such as my career, potential relationships, security, and eternal salvation. But here is where the metaphor breaks down: Sound investment principles warn against investing your entire fortune in one type of stock.

I realized that I say I believe in God, that I trust Him enough to wager my entire life or as the Message puts it, "To throw your whole lot in with Him," but then I invest in other things like intellect, relationships, and self-sufficiency. Just in case.

Just in case the market crashes... just in case...

But in the deepest, most innermost parts of my soul, I don't want to be a sound investor; I want to be a risky investor. I want to put everything on the line. I want to throw my whole lot in with God.

Tales from an Accidental Liberal

I didn't plan on becoming a liberal. 


I was born into a moderately conservative Seventh-day Adventist family. Our family became progressively "conservative" over time as we stopped celebrating Halloween and became vegetarians. My sister and I were home-schooled. We never got to the place where the women of the family wore long denim skirts, but I knew people who did. My parents were (and are) Republicans and growing up, I just assumed that I was, too. One of my career ambitions was to become a sort of Elisabeth Hasselback on CNN (although I didn't know who Elisabeth Hasselback was at the time... needless to say, we didn't watch Survivor or The View, either). 


I also spent my high school years being a part of teen prayer ministry. Together with my friends, we would travel on the weekends to schools and churches and share our testimonies with other teenagers and young adults. We led out at teen prayer conferences. We encouraged students to get rid of their secular music and to fast from TV and movies. 


And then something happened in the midst of my conservative life: I sensed God calling me into full time ministry. 


I'd read Samuel Pipim's book Must We Be Silent where he argues that women should not serve as elders or pastors and I'd heard my Grandpa joke that women could be pastors as long as they only had "one wife." I'd also been in enough Adventist and Christian circles to hear of "biblical courtship" and one's husband being the "priest of the home." Even though I was only seventeen at the time and didn't even have a boyfriend (after all, we'd all kissed dating goodbye!), some were quick to point out that my being in ministry would usurp my husband's role in my future marriage and would disturb God's intended order. 


But even in spite of this, I could not deny that God was calling me into ministry. God had also placed people in my life who had been observing my gifts and my natural tendency to want to participate in theological discussions and my voracious appetite for reading books on ministry; they, too, were convinced of God's calling on my life. 


So off to Southern Adventist University I went... to study Theology. Thankfully, I really didn't have to contend with much prejudice and those who did not welcome my presence never admitted that to my face. But I always felt strange whenever I attended In-Tents or SEYC. I always felt out of place. 


I'll never forget visiting a church in the Collegedale area and when the gentleman greeting at the door, shook my hand and asked what my major was, I desperately wanted to answer "nursing." Why couldn't I just be like 2/3 of the female population at Southern and study nursing? But I smiled, pumped his hand firmly, and said without hesitation: "Theology." The look of astonishment and dismay on his face said it all. I don't think he said another word to me. 


Being a female Theology student automatically landed me in the liberal camp, and as one of my dear friends, Dr. Kendra Haloviak, once said to me: "It's easier to be a conservative in a liberal crowd than it is to be a liberal in a conservative crowd" I proved by experience to be true. 


I started poking holes in conservative theology and lifestyle choices. It was easy to throw rocks. I started attending more liberal churches, going to movies in the theater, and reading books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye made me want to wretch. I participated in the "liberal" side of a panel discussion on women's ordination. I let friendships deteriorate and stopped participating in prayer ministries. 


The point to me writing all of this is simple: I don't think things like prayer ministries or social justice or vegetarianism or nail-polish wearing should come with affixed tags that read "liberal" or "conservative." I don't think being a woman-in-ministry (though I'm growing weary of that title) should land you in the liberal camp or cause you to lose conservative friends. 


I feel today like I did in November 2008 when I was voting for the first time. I agonized over whom I should cast my ballot for. I made pro and con lists. I prayed. I talked with my parents. I talked with professors. I watched debates on tv. But the main struggle I had was that issues I cared deeply about had been divvied up by the competing parties. Did I want to vote pro-life or for gay marriage? Did I care more about the economy or the environment? How are you supposed to choose? What if one party, one label doesn't cut it? 


In the end, it should be no surprise that I voted for the Democrats. I hadn't planned on being a liberal, but somehow, I became one.  

Engaging the Tension

There is a lot of tension in my life right now. 


I used to think that experiencing tension meant that I was going against God's will, but now I realize I experience tension precisely because I am in His will. Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about: 




expectancy               ...       contentment


mercy                       ...       justice


listening to others      ...       not being swayed by what others think


Sabbath                    ...      Second Coming


My call to ministry     ...       my gender and what Scripture* says about women


Acting professional    ...       being vulnerable 


"innocent as doves"  ...       "cunning as serpents" 




I struggle with these things on a daily basis. I believe God calls me to be content with my present circumstances, yet, I believe that He is asking me to move in a new direction and to yearn for that future with expectancy. I also like to listen to other people and to be approachable. I don't want to be above correction, but I also know that I am the only person living my life. I have to make decisions and own them. And once I've made a decision (and I believe that God is leading me) then I don't want to be deterred by criticism or having my motives questioned. 


I never fully realized until recently that I live with a tension in my own body. I know that God has given me gifts of leadership and communication and that I feel most alive when I am ministering to other people. Yet, God created me female and because of my gender, there are some who would argue that Scripture prohibits the very act of service I feel called to. (Not to mention that my own denomination is currently experiencing a lot of tension regarding the role of women in ministry: should we allow divisions like North America to move ahead and fully empower women or should we wait until the entire world church is ready?) 


What about the tension in the name Seventh-day Adventist. The seventh-day refers to Sabbath which is all about rest, pacing, rhythm, and recreation while Advent refers to the return of Christ which is all about urgency, anticipation, and action. We are caught between those two seemingly opposite beliefs that are juxtaposed in our very name. 


I've come to believe that I'm not meant to let go of any of these things. I'm not meant to swing from one side to another, but rather to engage the tension. That it is possible that these tensions I resist is actually by design because it conforms me to God's image. 


Sometimes I say to God, You know, I'm not exactly freaking Gumby here. I'm going to snap. And I do think something in me breaks: my selfish heart and more of God, more love, more patience rushes in. 


I don't want to resist the tension. I want to engage the tension. The tension is good. 

The Line

I'm funny when it comes to journaling. I don't write every day, but I do my best to completely fill a journal before moving on to the next one. I am not a monogamist when it comes to journals, however, so it can take a really long time before I finish writing on all the pages. 


Sometimes, though, there are events in my life where I feel like I need a fresh start. I'll usually just draw a line on a blank page somehow reminding myself that I'm in a new chapter. But then there are exceptions: I haven't completely filled a prayer journal with the previous two journals that I've kept. I loved them-- I loved the feel in my hand, the lines weren't too small or to big, they were great. It was the content I didn't like. The fits and starts, the ups and downs, the struggles, doubts, and leaps of faith. So I did something different. I took myself to Barnes and Noble, carefully selected a new journal, and started writing. The act of buying a new journal somehow signals to me that I'm starting again, that I'm moving forward and growing in my relationship with God. 


I feel the same way with this blog. So much has happened in the last six or seven months. There is so much I would like to blog about and so much that I would like to process in this community, but I felt like I needed to "draw a line." I wanted to differentiate between what my life was to what it is know (and how it keeps changing and evolving--hopefully for the better). 


So this blog post, albeit a little boring, is my way of drawing a line. It's a way of starting over, but not really starting over. It's a reminder that I am in the next chapter of my life and that I want to tell a great story.